The other night I did something that I NEVER thought that I would. I wrote, and then shared, my recovery narrative to a group of my peers, most of whom I had never met before. I put myself in a completely vulnerable situation and in all honesty, and for lack of a better expression, I was scared shitless. However, much to my surprise and in contrast to all my fears, the meeting could not have gone better. The group that I spoke to was so incredibly supportive and engaged while I shared my story, which made me feel more at ease during this cathartic experience of mine.
I’m not going to lie though and say that afterwards I felt completely at ease and even more “recovered” because that is not the case. In fact I was/still am pretty overwhelmed, as well as sad, after reflecting back on my story. Sharing brought up a lot of intense emotions for me that I don’t like to always deal with and even though I couldn’t have asked for a better, or more receptive audience, I can’t help, but be reminded just how much having an eating disorder sucks. The past day has been a tough one…I’ve been brought to tears a few times, but I am trying to stay positive and not let my mind go too deep into the darkness. I wish that I could snap my fingers and make all my negative feelings towards myself disappear. I’m working really hard and trying to learn to love myself and I just wish that it would come more naturally to me. I know that I can’t give up though and I eventually will see myself for who I truly am and not who ED tells me I am. One day, hopefully soon, I will recognize just how hard i’ve fought and that it has been worth it because I truly love myself. I just need to keep reminding myself to trust my struggle and that putting myself in vulnerable situations, like sharing my recovery story, will only make me stronger.