The other night I did something that I NEVER thought that I would. I wrote, and then shared, my recovery narrative to a group of my peers, most of whom I had never met before. I put myself in a completely vulnerable situation and in all honesty, and for lack of a better expression, I was scared shitless. However, much to my surprise and in contrast to all my fears, the meeting could not have gone better. The group that I spoke to was so incredibly supportive and engaged while I shared my story, which made me feel more at ease during this cathartic experience of mine.

I’m not going to lie though and say that afterwards I felt completely at ease and even more “recovered” because that is not the case. In fact I was/still am pretty overwhelmed, as well as sad, after reflecting back on my story. Sharing brought up a lot of intense emotions for me that I don’t like to always deal with and even though I couldn’t have asked for a better, or more receptive audience, I can’t help, but be reminded just how much having an eating disorder sucks. The past day has been a tough one…I’ve been brought to tears a few times, but I am trying to stay positive and not let my mind go too deep into the darkness. I wish that I could snap my fingers and make all my negative feelings towards myself disappear. I’m working really hard and trying to learn to love myself and I just wish that it would come more naturally to me. I know that I can’t give up though and I eventually will see myself for who I truly am and not who ED tells me I am. One day, hopefully soon, I will recognize just how hard i’ve fought and that it has been worth it because I truly love myself. I just need to keep reminding myself to trust my struggle and that putting myself in vulnerable situations, like sharing my recovery story, will only make me stronger.

Almost two years ago one of the most crucial steps I made, once I started on this journey towards recovery, which I am still on, is that I began to regularly meet with a nutritionist. My trusted therapist recommended that I start visiting with Ryann Collins, a registered dietician and the founder/owner of NourishRX located in Beverly. Ryann is experienced with, and extremely knowledgable of, the issues that patients with eating disorders have and the treatment that they thus require. Prior to our first meeting I was petrified…I was unsure of what she would tell me in regard to how I would have to change my eating habits and also I feared that she would be judgmental of my restrictive and disordered food behaviors. I was so fragile during this time that I couldn’t grasp the possibility that a nutritionist could help me…I wasn’t really listening to anything at this time except for my ED thoughts, which ruled all. In all honesty a big part of me felt like I was too far gone and I could never have a normal relationship with food. However, much to my surprise, I hit it off right away with Ryann. She is such an intelligent and warm person and I could tell from the start that she really had my best interests at heart. She was not condescending at all and I knew right away that she had a ton of experience, along with the skill set, to deal with the sensitive and fragile states’ that eating disorder patients are in when they come to see her. I credit Ryann, along with the rest of my support team, with picking up the pieces I had shattered into and giving me much needed hope. My team pushed me in the right direction towards living a healthier and happier life in recovery and they are still here for me today. They are always in my corner, cheering me on even if I am having a rough time.

I want to share Ryann as a resource with all of you, whatever your struggles might be with nutrition, because she helped me so much. I constantly find myself repeating little phrases she told me when I am having a difficult time. The one I use the most is “fat in food does not equate to fat on the body.” For my own personal issues these words help me get through the meals and snacks that I find most overwhelming.

You can check out her website, like her Facebook page, and also follow her on Pinterest! She is truly an amazing professional and I can’t say enough good things about her and just how much she has helped me on my road to recovery 🙂