I must begin this post with an apology for the hiatus I have taken from my blog. I am just now realizing how important it is to write out my feelings so that I can continue to move forward in the right direction. Only now am I understanding just how therapeutic and beneficial blogging is as an outlet in my road to recovery. From this day forward I am making a promise to myself that I will be more engaged with my blog and use it to heal myself.
So here it goes:
As daylights savings came and went this past Sunday I reflected on how, at this point in the year, time essentially “falls back.” We are blessed with an extra hour of sleep, along with sunshine when we raise, but we must compromise by accepting that the darkness of the night begins to encompass the sky as soon as classes end for the day at 4:00pm. I really could not help, but think about how this concept of “falling back” relates to my own experiences, thus far, at Bowdoin. “Falling back” is what I have arduously fought against these past few months….whether it be in regard to old unhealthy habits that developed when I was last on campus, or whether it’s fighting against the negative thoughts and body consciousness’ that can consume my mind. I am continuously fighting (every second of every day) to keep moving forward in my recovery. This was true for a while at least, but I can’t lie I have recently been coasting…I allowed myself to get away with some bad behaviors I had practiced, in the past, because I told myself that it wasn’t the end of the world since I was abiding by the other “rules” in my contract for recovery. However, I came to learn, obviously the hard way, that by allowing myself to “fall back” in one aspect of my recovery opened up a whole can of worms… I eventually found myself beginning to compromise and accept other behaviors. Finally, last week, I noticed a huge slip was occurring and my recovery progress was in danger of being compromised. My initial reaction to my awareness that I was losing control over my own recovery was that of outright fear. I’m essentially on my own at school and the last thing I want to do is worry my family or friends. They have done enough worrying over the past year and a half and if I can spare them from any extra stress, regarding me, I am going to find a way to do that. So I eventually came to terms with the fact that I needed to do something to regain control. After hibernating in my room and crying in my bed, at several different periods of time this past weekend, I figured out what had to be done. I needed to reach out to the professionals I trust and tell them exactly what is going on. I succeeded in doing this and by simply exchanging a few emails with my therapist and getting out exactly what was going on with me, I felt better. Another thing that I need to do, which is crucial, but definitely no easy feat, is to regain some hope in my recovery. I have to remind myself that I don’t have the option to simply “fall back.” I’ve worked too hard to get to where I am today and I don’t want to give it all up. As Winnie the Pooh so eloquently puts it: