First Day Jitters

First days, for anything, always scare me. I’m hesitant towards change and anxious by nature sooo… I often obsess, and play every possible scenario of what might happen over… and over… and over… and over again, and again, in my head. As a result of my “crazies”  by the time I actually have to face the dreaded first day I’ve come up with EVERY negative outcome that could possibly occur.  My earliest memory of resisting change is at age 5! I was just a lil thing, but I vividly remember clinging to a fence on my first day of camp begging to be set free and reunited with my mom… a little dramatic I know, but I’m the first to admit that I get desperate for some TLC when I am sad or anxious about the unknown.

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Here I am, on the left, with my twin sis Kate before our first day of camp. Clearly I am less enthused than her. I can barely force myself to crack a smile… so much sass.

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Here we are again on one of our first days of ski lessons. Can you guess which one I am? Besides for the pink getup as an obvious clue my pout and nervous demeanor are a dead giveaway. Who would ever guess, judging from this picture, that I would actually love skiing?!

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Even on my first day back to college, my junior year at age 20, (keep in mind I had been at the same school since freshman year) I was anxious and had to be coaxed out of the chair by my friends to attend the back to school lobster bake.

So based on my past history of uncontrollable nerves when it comes to first days I think it’s totally understandable that I have some major jitters today. Not only is it my first day of blogging, but it is the first day, since early September, that I am not attending a structured eating disorder recovery program. Needless to say I am scared, nervous, and overwhelmed all at the same time. However, one emotion that I am also feeling, an emotion that I have not had for quite some time, is that of hope. Throughout my experience in recovery I learned that a big factor in my eating disorder, as well as with others suffering from EDs, is our desire to have complete control over our lives.  Schedules, routines, and sticking to what is familiar gives us a sense of security in our otherwise chaotic existences. First days, however, can completely rattle us and make us feel helpless because we can’t control what is to come. This is where hope needs to come in for me.  I need to focus on living my life and stop obsessing over my fear of the unknown. I can’t control everything so I must simply hope for the best. So today I will remind myself:

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It’s time for me to live my life even if I fear the unknown. This is obviously easier said than done, but I have hope that the best it yet to come.

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